Originally posted on 05-24-07:
Yesterday afternoon, Eve and I were talking about Po Bronson’s, book, “What Should I Do With My Life?” (Which I had written about here that morning.) She had already read it since I was in the middle of something else when it came. While she acknowledged she had gotten something from it, her overall experience was not nearly so positive as mine, and we got interested in figuring out why.
She came up with the recognition that she had been immersed in the point of view of therapy all her life, from birth onward: Her father has been a therapist all her life–still is, at age 91–her mother had taught psychology, her first husband was a psychiatrist–still is–and both her brother and one of her daughters have PhD.’s in psychology and clinical practices. All of this history influenced her reaction to Po. She had expectations that he should approach the people he interviewed and comment on them from the point of view of therapy, and those expectations were not met.
I have some experience with therapy, but nothing like hers, so my expectations were totally different. Disregarding my initial (and ignoble), response to his photo, I anticipated interesting stories that I might learn from, and Po’s approach–more journalistic than therapy-like, perhaps–didn’t arouse any sense of disappointment or lack. I have been more than pleased with the experience.
This kind of difference in point of view is always present in any attempt at communication. A friend of mine once said, “Reality is like the hub of a bicycle wheel, and people are spread out around the rim, looking toward it down their own spoke. Although they’re all looking at the same thing, everyone’s point of view is different–slightly so if they’re close together, radically so if they’re on opposite sides.”
I’ve read a couple of books by Deborah Tannen on this subject, and many more have been written by others, most often about gender differences, it seems, but Tannen talks about cultural and personal differences as well. There’s a quote on the back cover of her book, “That’s Not What I Meant!” by Pulitzer Prize winner, Jack Rosenthal: “We are, all of us, foreigners to each other: editor and writer, man and woman, Californian and New Yorker, friend and friend. Dr. Tannen shows us how different we are and how to speak the same language.”
The problem, unfortunately, goes beyond our not speaking the same language. People often have different goals in their attempts at communication; often unstated, even to themselves. Understanding the intricacies of communication may lead to more effective manipulation of each other, rather than to agreement, which may not come even under the most favorable terms of communication. Perfect communication does not guarantee an end to conflict.
If perfect communication is not the key to ending conflict, is there any hope? It seems competition is built into the genome.
The question, perhaps, is how we might learn to compete with each other in a friendly way, so that the loser doesn’t feel diminished. It’s a tall order.
Do You See What I See