Last night I was putting together my usual bedtime snack and had gotten to the stage of adding blueberries and chopped nuts, which live in the freezer. As I opened the freezer door, it occurred to me that my fat intake for the day was adequate, so I decided to omit the nuts. No sooner had the blueberry container touched the countertop, however, than the thought occurred to me: “Well, I guess I decided to have the nuts after all,” and opened the freezer door again. The moment that thought occurred, it was followed by another: “No, the brain decided.”
I talk, write, and think a lot about how “I” am not in charge of my brain, and although that is an intellectual constant, the habit of using “I” in my mental verbalizations is a hard one to break. Giving our “selves” credit for our thoughts and actions is a social necessity that can’t be dispensed with, and that unavoidable usage makes the “I” difficult to expunge–something that a particular neural network in my brain would very much like to do. This network would like to have my thinking consistently conform to reality as I understand it–to see through the habitual illusion. It is taking steps to reinforce itself, and occasionally it has a period of ascendancy, like last night. (I’m afraid all this “neural network” stuff sounds totally obscure if you haven’t read the Journal or listened to the Bare Brains podcasts—that’s where you’ll find the “long” versions.)
For a period last night, and in brief episodes today, I have gazed in awe at my brain’s amazing accomplishments—eating, walking, seeing, etc.—like a kid watching its parents do something wonderful and incomprehensible. For me, that state is much preferable to what is more often the case: the kid walking around boasting about the accomplishments of its parents as if he had done them all by himself.
One of the tactics the clear-thinking version of myself uses is to insert “it” for “I,” (except in public): “It” thinks, prefers, decides, etc., rather than “I,” giving the brain the credit. Writing and talking about the reality of who I am serves to reinforce that reality, too, of course, along with reading confirmational writings. In the end it comes down to paying attention.
Perhaps the trickiest thing to think about is the feeling of determination: “I am going to lose that five pounds, dammit!” It feels so intensely that I am making the effort; I am doing the hard work. Aren’t I? The truth is, those kinds of feelings are tools the brain uses to get things done. Emotions and feelings are part and parcel of the motivational system supplied by evolution, including both the pain and discomfort they involve. Can you imagine anyone going to the trouble of food-gathering and preparation without hunger and satiation? Can you imagine anyone going to the trouble of sex and child-rearing without dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin? Even though it feels like I want, and I am determined, it’s just the brain’s machinery grinding away; following programs built up over millions of years.
So give “me” a break, will ya?
Boat and Ripples “Making” Reflections