(Title courtesy of the Talking Heads.)
I’ve had a couple of probes lately which led me to a consideration of how I got to be so emotionally self-sufficient. The long version is my life story, of course, but I think there are a couple of key ideas.
One ingredient is coming to see exactly what I am: a human animal, totally shaped by genetics and my environment to be exactly who I am. I am not a self-made man. Every word you are reading here, every thought I’ve ever had, and every feeling I’ve ever experienced is the organic outgrowth of my life, which also means, of the universe. There’s nothing in me that merits credit or blame for anything I’ve ever done, any more than a boulder merits credit or blame for rolling downhill. If someone sees the boulder rolling and thinks it’s wonderful or thinks it’s terrible, should the boulder take it personally? Should I?
Another key ingredient–which can grow out of the realization of who I am–is empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Once I realize that I am who I am through no fault of my own, I can understand that other people are who they are, and are acting the way they are, as the result of the same kinds of evolutionary processes. There’s no reason to get overjoyed if they like me or to be depressed if they don’t, because whatever their reaction, they’re not personally responsible, and I don’t have to take it personally.
At the same time, whatever anyone else is feeling is something that I am capable of feeling. Emotions are amazingly consistent, even across species. They have been evolutionarily useful for a very long time. Given that, whatever they’re feeling is something I would feel if I were in their circumstances, and while I’m observing their emotions, I can re-create those same emotions in myself. I know exactly how their joy feels, and their sorrow, no matter what they’re reacting to.
If I see a parent beaming love at their child, I can experience that with them. If I see two people enraptured with each other, I can feel that, too. As the Beatles sang, “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” So whatever emotional yearnings I might have, I can fulfill vicariously. If it’s happening to anyone else, it’s happening to me.
Of course, this will all sound familiar if you’ve been keeping up–I’m repeating myself again–but it bears repeating. My brain still carries emotional baggage from a bygone era, and the neural version of myself that knows better needs to reinforce the idea of putting it down and walking away. Perhaps this will remind you that you’re carrying more than you need to as well.
I’m Here, Too