I recently had the unfortunate experience of saying something to a friend that she found inappropriate. Hopefully that lapse of sensitivity will make me more vigilant in the future–I have no wish to cause other people discomfort–but the episode brought into focus how difficult it would be for anyone to say something to me that would offend my own sense of propriety.
The study of history and anthropology is wonderful in giving a broadened perspective on the vast range of words and behaviors that people have considered appropriate in different cultural contexts. Depending on where and when you were born, almost anything goes, and it becomes clear that anything I might do, given the right culture, is OK.
Of course, we have to deal with the values of the society we are currently living in if we are to prosper in that setting, regardless of how limited that range might be, but we don’t have to identify with those values. Getting along without identifying is something we all do in varying degrees, as we move from work, to recreation, to family environments; but somewhere among all those different value sets we find those that, for reasons of personal history, we call our own.
The problem with identifying with any particular set of values is that, for one thing, it sets us up for the possibility of being offended. More importantly, it creates us-them boundaries–people who are like us, and therefore acceptable, and those who are different, and therefore available for disdain, reproach, disgust, and at the extreme, violence.
My preference is to understand that all such distinctions are accidental and arbitrary, and to identify myself as a human being: capable of saying or doing anything given the right circumstances. No one can offend me, because they are just “me” in another guise. If you do offend me, it gives me the opportunity to inquire how I came to hold the value that makes such an offense possible, to examine my personal history for the influence that put that item in place.
It’s been some time since I felt the emotion of self-righteousness, but I welcome it as a chance to learn something new.

That’s Disgusting!
